there's rene, giovanny and diego. you fucked up, ignore one and are hurt by one without them even knowing it. i feel like the girl who wasn't hugged by her dad enough as a child so she has to find love in every guy she meets. and maybe that's my problem. it is my problem. i want to be loved. i want to feel needed, but not depended on. i want to feel like you love me, but you can live without me. when its in a cycle like that, i'll never stop chasing you. i'll never stop surprising you.

i feel completely stupid fucking around with rene. money was spent to see him, we fucked twice and he ignores me when i fly back. boy, way to make me feel like a whore. way to hurt me. you left me when we were thirteen, and you leave me again. the blame can't be all on you, though. afterall, i did spread my goods for you. how stupid am i, how vulnerable and foolish of me. why didn't i see it coming?

diego on the other hand.. he was good. well, he is good. he's good at being manipulative. he's good at playing the older role, which now leaves me to be the stupid eighteen year old. i don't know what it is. i want to change him, i want to be the girl he wants to be in a relationship with. millions of girls he's fucked and only one of them he's been committed to. what do i do? how do i change that... but he is decieving. he talks to another girl in los angeles. he's going to keep doing this... is that what's bothering me the most?